The IT team felt that it would be good to provide you with this guide to help us do our jobs better:
- When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried
under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried
flowers, bowling trophies and childrenıs art. We donıt have a life, and we
find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
- Donıt write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from
- When an IT person says heıs coming right over, go for coffee. That way
you wonıt be there when we need your password. Itıs nothing for us to
remember 300 screensaver passwords.
- When you call the help desk, state what you want, not whatıs keeping you
from getting it. We donıt need to know that you canıt get into your mail
because your computer wonıt power on at all.
- When IT Support sends you an email with high importance, delete it at
once. Weıre just testing.
- When an IT person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill
your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
- Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags
it as a rush delivery.
- When the photocopier doesnıt work, call computer support. Thereıs
electronics in it.
- When youıre getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer
support. We can fix your telephone line from here.
- When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer
support. Weıre collectors.
- When somethingıs wrong with your home PC, dump it on an IT personıs
chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We
love a puzzle.
- When an IT person tells you that computer screens donıt have cartridges
in them, argue. We love a good argument.
- When an IT person tells you that heıll be there shortly, reply in a
scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?"
That motivates us.
- When the printer wonıt print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print
jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
- When the printer still wonıt print after 20 tries, send the job to all
68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
- Donıt learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what
you mean by "my thingy blew up".
- Donıt use online help. Online help is for wimps.
- If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog,
lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed
to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.
- If the space bar on your keyboard doesnıt work, blame it on the mail
upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin
crumbs and nail clippings in them.
- When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes button
as fast as you can. Hell, if you werenıt sure, you wouldnıt be doing it,
- When you find an IT person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on
the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We donıt have any
money to speak of anyway.
- Feel perfectly free to say things like "I donıt know nothing about that
computer rubbish." We donıt mind at all hearing our area of professional
expertise referred to as rubbish.
- When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call IT
Support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and
Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional
engineer with a masterıs degree in nuclear physics.
- When you canıt find someone in the government directory, call IT
- When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call IT Support. We
love to hack.
- When somethingıs the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to
call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third
party who doesnıt know anything about the problem.
- When you receive a 30mb (huge) movie file, send it to everyone as a mail
attachment. Weıve got lots of disk space on that mail server.
- Donıt even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks.
Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.
- When an IT person gets on the elevator pushing 600,000 worth of computer
equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice: "Good grief, you take the
elevator to go DOWN one floor?!?" Thatıs another one that cracks us up no
- When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire company. People
out in Pofadder like to keep abreast of whatıs going on.
- When you bump into an IT person at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask
a computer question. We do weekends.
- Donıt bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own.
Computer names are just a cosmetic feature.
- When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave
the documentation at home. Weıll find all the settings and drivers