|Things I've Learned From My Children
For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. For those who have children this age,
this is not funny. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet
had children, this is a form of birth control. The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas.
- A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 2 inches deep.
- If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
- A 3 year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
- If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
- You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
- The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
- When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
- Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
- A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man (dad) says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
- Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
- Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
- Super glue is the closest thing on earth to forever.
- No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. AND
- Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
- VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. Thanks for the idea on TV during prime time you guys at the ad agency. Try this Hefty bag as a parachute...
- Garbage bags do not make good parachutes (except for ad agency executives).
- Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
- You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
- Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
- On average, the fire department in Austin, TX usually has a 5 minute response time.
- The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy. AND
- Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
- The mind of a six year old is wonderful, and can be the closest thing to perpetual motion.
First Grade.....true story.
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part
of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And
so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some
of that straw to build my house?'"
The teacher paused then and asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" Of course, the ubiquitous
"little Johnny" raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy S*#!! A talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.